I really can’t explain everything that is going on right now. It’s just too confusing and hard to explain. It’s been a rough weekend more like past few months. Things happened over some time that have drove a wedge between us. But not the point. I might have lost my boyfriend but I haven’t lost my best friend I hope. God wanted this to happen and he’ll work it out. Hopefully he’ll change us both and make us better, better for each other hopefully, and bring us back together. Or just make us better and make us good friends again. It’s the hardest thing to just be friends after such a serious relationship but it is better than having nothing at all. You need friends and you need people but most of all you need God. Through the tears, sobs more like it, and prayers God knows what he’s doing with me. It hurts like all get out like i’ve never hurt before but maybe it’s for the good. Me and Matt might have different ways of handling things and different ways of fixing things, we always have. But either way it will draw us closer to God. I might not spend all my time with the man I love but I will see him. He’s still there for me no matter what. He still loves me through thick and thin. He’ll never give up on me. But there’s a man even better than that that I need to be with right now. I took my eyes off him for a while and I suffered for it. I had to lose something I loved more than God to realize that. Matt was my god. Now that that is knocked down I can focus on the true God. I have started my devotions again. I have grown my prayer life and I am going to focus more on schoolwork. We both focused on each other too long that we lost sight of what was truly important. His grades slacked mine could have been better. Neither one of us grew. We could have made our relationship so much better if God was more important than anything. That was our mistake that now we are fixing. This is for the best. I keep telling myself that. yeah it’s still gonna hurt like crazy but It will get better in time. I’m not losing completely. Maybe one day down the road God will bring us back together and in my heart that’s what I believe just right now we don’t need to be together for both our sakes. God is still leading me to be with Matt so I will wait until God tells me otherwise, this is again teaching me patience which I never seem to really learn. And it’s teaching me trust. Every bad thing that happens in my life my first instinct is to blame God instead of thank him. I might cry myself to sleep but at least I’m doing it as I cry out to God. I might not be eating very much but at least I’m spending more time in God’s word. I might not be spending much time with friends but at least I’m digging into my studies. Good can come of the bad things. Yeah, I’ll be miserable for a while but that’s only human. I know that it will be ok just because God is still on my side. There is no bad guy in this break up. There is no wrong thing happening here. It’s all for the good. Prayer and love is all I need. Now that there is no boyfriend to distract me there is only God…
