Right now I can’t speak what I feel. It’s just too hard. Going to Dr. Newman even gave me some of the same conclusions I had pretty much came to myself. My thought processes are not working. Nothing else to tell the girls. It’s all just things I want to tell Matt, talk to Matt about. Not that no one else matters right now but he’s the only one on my mind. He can change his decision right now and I’d take him back in a heartbeat. I’d beg and plead for him to take me back right now. I’m begging and pleading with God. I know there has got to be a different way.
God’s will…Meant to be…Perfect…Together forever…Never leave…Too stubborn…Never stop loving you… All terms that have been said that now seem to mean nothing…
Poems…emails…phone calls…text messages…gifts… All null and void
Trips…plans…dreams… All meaningless and empty
Like a puzzle with a piece missing…One half of a heart…Hole in my brain…Part of my being… Gone…
Fights mean nothing to me anymore. I could care less about our stupid petty little differences all that can be worked out and put aside! I don’t care about the time that we’ve spent apart, we can mend it. I can change he can change we can change. If given a chance our relationship can grow into something beautiful and something more God-honoring. But it wasn’t even given a chance…
If he changes his mind, just a little bit, just give it one more chance and nothing changes than it’s over. But if we give it a trial run, work things out, talk it all out, and it works, it will be stronger.
He might have talked to people and got the answer to break up but I’ve talked to people and I seem to get the opposite. My devotions, chapel messages, classes they all are giving me these clues that I try not to read into but God has laid on my heart. He wants me to trust him and rely on him even when I’m hurting but also he’s telling me that I don’t need to give up on Matt. That we both need to think about this. That time will bring us back together and we shouldn’t give up and let it go. We are incomplete and not happy without the other I know it. Love is still there and love covers all things. “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things,endures all things.” II Cor 13:7
If he doesn’t love me the same way, than I’ll accept it. hate it but accept it and move on. But I want to know that he still wants this to work that he still wants to be with me or if he has just given up completely and has no hope.
God’s will comes to different people different ways. Some see it differently. Some define it differently. But it’s all God’s will. He does all to good to those that love him. If I continue praying, if I continue my walk with God, he will give me the desires of my heart.
