I just spent almost two hours outside. I stood by the bench where Matt and I had our first date and shared our first kiss. I put myself through the pain of cold out there just so I can get my thoughts straight and to cry and beg and plead to God. I feel like I didnt accomplish anything or figure anything out. I just got extremely cold. I thought of the good times and remembered the bad times. I wished for things to be different to be like they were. I talked to God out loud out there by myself. I thought I was going insane. Maybe I am. I told God how much Matt meant to me. I told God how sorry I was for everything. I told him I could and would change if he only gave me a chance. I told him that Matt was nothing like Chad. Chad was an infatuation and Matt was real love. The most amazing love I have ever felt. Chad was nothing that I needed Matt is everything I need. Matt made me feel like a princess like I was wanted like I was loved like I was the most important woman in the world. Chad made me feel like complete crap. Matt is nothing like Chad. I had time to think about all the differences between the two. God has stuff to work on with both of us. He’s showed me a big long list for myself. I figure that matt’s love for me was not as strong as my love for him. I learned that words never mean anything. I learn that every man is going to let me down and hurt me but God never will. I love Matt with All of my being and don’t want to lose him. God has a plan in all of this. It’s not my job to run my life just to listen to what God says. I can’t express everything that I said and everything I realized everything I thought. There was so much that was and is goin through my mind. I came away with just as much confusion as before and also left with a cold achey body. I don’t know what to do or to say anymore…
