This post is a little different than the other one I have titled this…
I don’t know what love is anymore. I’m told I’m loved. I’m told that nothing will ever keep us apart and that we’ll be together forever. Bunch of fluff.
Is Love something that people tell you but never truly mean?
Is Love when someone tells you lots of good happy things than leaves you?
Is Love when someone avoids you?
Is Love fighting?
Is Love confusion?
Is Love feeling alone and empty?
Is Love missing someone?
Is Love anger, bitterness, and unkind words?
Is Love not forgiving someone?
Is Love not talking?
Is Love pain?
I have nothing to give me a good picture of love. I’ve been hurt and dumped so many times it’s hard to know anymore. Things that were told to me about Love seem to be all untrue. Everything I thought I knew about love is not true. The only Love I know is true is God’s. No man can take that place.
Why do I even want him back? I said hurtful things to him but now that I’m supposed to be forgiven, He is the one that has all the hurtful things to say.
Why do I want him back? All we do is fight. He doesn’t want to work at it so why should I even try.
Why do I want him? Doesn’t it seem like he just doesn’t want a commitment? Does he have problems with committing? I am the 4th relationship that’s ended.
Do I want this guy? The answer is yes. Why? Because I love him. Because he is my special one that God picked out for me. Does he know it? Obviously not…
But now that I sit here I don’t want to be the one that is in pain and misery because of all this. I want the pain to go away. I want this all to stop. I spent so long tonight begging and pleading to God, crying out with all my might that something will change. That God will do something, fix something. I begged and pleaded for Matt back. I begged and pleaded Him to tell me what to do, where to go, what to say. I got no answers. I just got cold and tired.
I’m as lost as before. I am not going to talk to him because every time I talk to him it just seems to make it worse. I’m getting blamed for all the problems now. No longer is it is fault but mine. I’m the one that needs to stop, I’m the one that is making mistakes, I’m the one hurting myself, I’m the one that says nasty things…Ok whatever it’s all me. I know God loves me and forgives me and knows the truth.
